It’s Time to Re-Align Our Marketing To Attract The Youths!

Photo by Karolina Grabowska from Pexels

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

My fellow Arbor Day Committee board members,

I think we’re all painfully aware that Arbor Day is not a sexy holiday. Today’s youth just want to get on the smartphones and listen to the rap music; they don’t want to spend their time planting saplings behind the middle school with their grandparents or picking up litter. Now, I’ve done some research for us to try to rebrand this holiday to attract more young people. …


Only You Can Prevent Someone Treading On You

Smokey the Bear from USDA.gov [Fair Use]

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

After last year’s record breaking wildfires, I was feeling, well, burned out. You spend your whole life doing a job and then it all goes to shit because of some jackass’s gender reveal party. Reveal one’s gender? What about revealing that you suck! So I took some time off, took some “me time,” read The Fountainhead, and during that time, I found myself down a rabbit hole. That’s a pitfall of living in the woods. But then I climbed out of the rabbit hole and got online, and…


We’ve got an evening of excruciating excitement lined up!

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Welcome to Game Night! Pull up a chair, we’ve got quite the evening planned. Bathroom is down the hall. You might want to use it before we kick things off.

We’re gonna jump right in with Spell Attack, a word game with all the heart-pounding action of an eighth grade Language Arts pop quiz. Make as many words as fast as you can with this pile of letter tiles. Nobody is going to judge you for the limited scope of your vocabulary, I promise. Ready? Go!

I’m done already, and I’ve scored 2700 points for “coaxial,” “typhoon,” and “acquiescence.” How’d…


Humor

I’ve put together some advice for all you less talented folks. You’re welcome!

Photo by Kindel Media from Pexels

Hey Friends!

I was wondering why I hadn’t heard from many of you lately, but then I read an article about professional jealousy and a light bulb went on. It must be so incredibly difficult for all of my friends, always wrestling with the green-eyed monster as a result of knowing me. Now that I’m officially the #1 cauliflower influencer in the contiguous US, I’m sure your envy is completely unchecked. That’s why I’m sharing what I learned in the article with you all, my favorite un-talented high school gal pals. You’re welcome!

First, networking with those you admire can…


I do not need to poop, not ever.

Picture by Ashram Haghani via Pexels

6:30 am: I wake up feeling completely refreshed. I perform 35 minutes of pretzel-like yoga positions, then whip up my own smoothie. I actually wash and put away the blender when I am done. I do not need to poop, not ever.

7:30 am: I pick out an outfit from my vast collection of Free People clothes. Because of my amazing flexibility and high level spatial reasoning skills, I am not confused how to put them on. I select a cold shoulder sweater that wraps around my neck six times and has a big taffeta ruffle around the middle. …


Photo by alleksana from Pexels

**Co-written with Sherry Vondy Beaver.**

Middle-aged straight men: Are you panicking that your wife or girlfriend will once again scream at you and burst into tears over your Valentine’s gift? Ever been accused of “not understanding” after forking out twenty bucks for a heart-shaped toilet plunger? We know that picking out the right gift is harder than line dancing through a minefield. Purchase correctly, you might get laid. Buy something wrong and your balls will be bluer than the rust belt in the 2020 election. And obviously, you can’t just ask her what she’d like! But, buck up, bros!


Template from Canva, edited by the author

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

  1. I’d cook you a delicious meal but we’re out of toilet paper again :( Love you anyway!
  2. There’s nobody I’d rather go slowly insane with than you.
  3. You’ve infected me with your love and the incubation period is the rest of our lives. Love you babe!
  4. It’s a good thing your ex-girlfriend has to stay six feet away. Make that a habit.
  5. Let’s play Scrabble again because what the fuck else is there to do. Happy V-Day.
  6. I used to love you more than I love wine, but now wine is really all I have, but…

Photo by Ryan Miguel Capili from Pexels, edited by the author

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

1. He didn’t get you flowers or chocolates. He says that’s because:

a. He’s not into this dumb corporate manufactured holiday

b. Because anything corporeal will pass through his translucent hands and fall to the floor immediately

2. Where’s he taking you for dinner tonight?

a. The Sizzler, because he didn’t bother to make reservations anywhere, and he figures all the senior citizens will be cleared out by 8 pm

b. His kitchen! He’s quite the chef, but also he’s buried on the premises and is unable to leave the home until his unfinished business on…


You’ll love these programs, even if they make Fitzgerald roll over in his grave!

The Great Gatsby cover designed by Francis Cugot; Logo copyright Netflix [Fair Use]

Michael Bay’s Gatsformer: Sentient battle robot Gatsformer has turned rogue after rejection from his ex-lover, Dasitron. Only handsome army officer Nick Carroway (Chris Hemsworth), armed to the teeth and paired with a scantily-clad, golf club-wielding Jordan Baker (Megan Fox) can stop him. Remember that green light swinging from Daisy’s dock? Well, it’s a blue and orange light now, and 45 minutes of the movie are just Gatsformer blowing it up.

CocoMelon Presents: Let’s Check Our Eyes Singalong! Featuring Dr. T.J. Eckleburg: J.J. and family learn through an annoyingly repetitive song that getting their eyes examined isn’t scary, even if the…


Satire

This proud GOP member hated the ending of GOT!

Game of Thrones copyright HBO, Ted Cruz official Senate portrait from https://www.cruz.senate.gov/?p=about_senator [Fair Use]

When I’m not accidentally liking pornographic tweets or inciting a coup, I binge peak TV. I’m a little late to the game in hating on Game of Thrones’ final season, but in light of recent events, I wanted to express my outrage at the way the season turned out. Obviously, the Battle of Winterfell was not started by the Night King, but was in fact a false flag operation, staged by the Stark family to regain control of the North.

I wasn’t shocked that Jon, Sansa, Arya, and the rest of their bannermen stooped that low. The Starks were establishment…

Gracie Beaver-Kairis

Gracie Beaver-Kairis is a humor writer and semi-functioning adult living in the Pacific Northwest.

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