Photo by Joao Jesus from Pexels

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

It’s been over a year now and it’s finally here: your annual 4th of July BBQ where you chow down on processed meats and remind your friends how freaking hot you are. But what do you do when all those friends cancel because of “social anxiety,” and “they want to be with their families,” and “you still aren’t vaxxed, what the hell is your excuse.” Here are some hot tips to make that hot girl summer, even when everyone ditches your BBQ.

  1. Break out that red, white, and blue string bikini you’ve been saving for this…


We must put a stop to this reasonable request before it’s too late!

Photo by Pixabey from Pexels, edited by the author

My fellow alumni,

An assault is happening on our beloved campus, namely against McRacist Hall. It has come to my attention that some entitled snowflake students believe that they should be able to enter a building where they have classes. This is getting out of hand!

Erected in 1842 to honor our university’s Founder and first President, Erasmus T. McRacist, this building is the crown jewel of our campus. The building’s 14 steps are symbolic not only of our school’s first class of 14 white, male graduates, but they also hint at the legend that when a woman applied for…


Please help me rid my house of the mysteries of the universe!

Photo by Jakob Rosen on Unsplash and Vinícius Vieira ft from Pexels, edited by the author

Dear Beautiful Dreamers Manifestation Podcast,

Help! Last night, I was a little tipsy and fell asleep listening to the podcast while flipping through my middle school yearbook. When I got up this morning, there was this sixteen-year-old with sandy blonde hair rummaging around in my fridge. I thought he was a burglar, but as soon as he said his name was Logan-Kyle Hawk and then asked if I had any Mountain Dew Code Red, I realized I accidentally manifested the boyfriend I made up in eighth grade. Oops! …


Listen up, because I have some basic-ass truth bombs to drop on y’all.

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

Friends,

I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve asked you all to meet me in the skincare aisle of this Target. Please grab a pamplemousse La Croix and have a seat. I have something important to get off my chest: I’m a basic bitch now.

I know this may come as a shock, but I haven’t been living my authentic life. I’ve been ashamed of my true self — the self that doesn’t want to read the boring-ass Atlantic article about the hazards of bauxite mining that just came through in the group text but instead wants to laugh at TikToks…


It’s Time to Re-Align Our Marketing To Attract The Youths!

Photo by Karolina Grabowska from Pexels

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

My fellow Arbor Day Committee board members,

I think we’re all painfully aware that Arbor Day is not a sexy holiday. Today’s youth just want to get on the smartphones and listen to the rap music; they don’t want to spend their time planting saplings behind the middle school with their grandparents or picking up litter. Now, I’ve done some research for us to try to rebrand this holiday to attract more young people. …


Only You Can Prevent Someone Treading On You

Smokey the Bear from USDA.gov [Fair Use]

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

After last year’s record breaking wildfires, I was feeling, well, burned out. You spend your whole life doing a job and then it all goes to shit because of some jackass’s gender reveal party. Reveal one’s gender? What about revealing that you suck! So I took some time off, took some “me time,” read The Fountainhead, and during that time, I found myself down a rabbit hole. That’s a pitfall of living in the woods. But then I climbed out of the rabbit hole and got online, and…


We’ve got an evening of excruciating excitement lined up!

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Welcome to Game Night! Pull up a chair, we’ve got quite the evening planned. Bathroom is down the hall. You might want to use it before we kick things off.

We’re gonna jump right in with Spell Attack, a word game with all the heart-pounding action of an eighth grade Language Arts pop quiz. Make as many words as fast as you can with this pile of letter tiles. Nobody is going to judge you for the limited scope of your vocabulary, I promise. Ready? Go!

I’m done already, and I’ve scored 2700 points for “coaxial,” “typhoon,” and “acquiescence.” How’d…


Humor

I’ve put together some advice for all you less talented folks. You’re welcome!

Photo by Kindel Media from Pexels

Hey Friends!

I was wondering why I hadn’t heard from many of you lately, but then I read an article about professional jealousy and a light bulb went on. It must be so incredibly difficult for all of my friends, always wrestling with the green-eyed monster as a result of knowing me. Now that I’m officially the #1 cauliflower influencer in the contiguous US, I’m sure your envy is completely unchecked. That’s why I’m sharing what I learned in the article with you all, my favorite un-talented high school gal pals. You’re welcome!

First, networking with those you admire can…


I do not need to poop, not ever.

Picture by Ashram Haghani via Pexels

6:30 am: I wake up feeling completely refreshed. I perform 35 minutes of pretzel-like yoga positions, then whip up my own smoothie. I actually wash and put away the blender when I am done. I do not need to poop, not ever.

7:30 am: I pick out an outfit from my vast collection of Free People clothes. Because of my amazing flexibility and high level spatial reasoning skills, I am not confused how to put them on. I select a cold shoulder sweater that wraps around my neck six times and has a big taffeta ruffle around the middle. …


Photo by alleksana from Pexels

**Co-written with Sherry Vondy Beaver.**

Middle-aged straight men: Are you panicking that your wife or girlfriend will once again scream at you and burst into tears over your Valentine’s gift? Ever been accused of “not understanding” after forking out twenty bucks for a heart-shaped toilet plunger? We know that picking out the right gift is harder than line dancing through a minefield. Purchase correctly, you might get laid. Buy something wrong and your balls will be bluer than the rust belt in the 2020 election. And obviously, you can’t just ask her what she’d like! But, buck up, bros!

Gracie Beaver-Kairis

Gracie Beaver-Kairis is a humor writer and semi-functioning adult living in the Pacific Northwest.

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