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Photo by alleksana from Pexels

**Co-written with Sherry Vondy Beaver.**

Middle-aged straight men: Are you panicking that your wife or girlfriend will once again scream at you and burst into tears over your Valentine’s gift? Ever been accused of “not understanding” after forking out twenty bucks for a heart-shaped toilet plunger? We know that picking out the right gift is harder than line dancing through a minefield. Purchase correctly, you might get laid. Buy something wrong and your balls will be bluer than the rust belt in the 2020 election. And obviously, you can’t just ask her what she’d like! But, buck up, bros!


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Template from Canva, edited by the author

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

  1. I’d cook you a delicious meal but we’re out of toilet paper again :( Love you anyway!
  2. There’s nobody I’d rather go slowly insane with than you.
  3. You’ve infected me with your love and the incubation period is the rest of our lives. Love you babe!
  4. It’s a good thing your ex-girlfriend has to stay six feet away. Make that a habit.
  5. Let’s play Scrabble again because what the fuck else is there to do. Happy V-Day.
  6. I used to love you more than I love wine, but now wine is really all I have, but…


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Photo by Ryan Miguel Capili from Pexels, edited by the author

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

1. He didn’t get you flowers or chocolates. He says that’s because:

a. He’s not into this dumb corporate manufactured holiday

b. Because anything corporeal will pass through his translucent hands and fall to the floor immediately

2. Where’s he taking you for dinner tonight?

a. The Sizzler, because he didn’t bother to make reservations anywhere, and he figures all the senior citizens will be cleared out by 8 pm

b. His kitchen! He’s quite the chef, but also he’s buried on the premises and is unable to leave the home until his unfinished business on…


You’ll love these programs, even if they make Fitzgerald roll over in his grave!

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The Great Gatsby cover designed by Francis Cugot; Logo copyright Netflix [Fair Use]

Michael Bay’s Gatsformer: Sentient battle robot Gatsformer has turned rogue after rejection from his ex-lover, Dasitron. Only handsome army officer Nick Carroway (Chris Hemsworth), armed to the teeth and paired with a scantily-clad, golf club-wielding Jordan Baker (Megan Fox) can stop him. Remember that green light swinging from Daisy’s dock? Well, it’s a blue and orange light now, and 45 minutes of the movie are just Gatsformer blowing it up.

CocoMelon Presents: Let’s Check Our Eyes Singalong! Featuring Dr. T.J. Eckleburg: J.J. and family learn through an annoyingly repetitive song that getting their eyes examined isn’t scary, even if the…


Satire

This proud GOP member hated the ending of GOT!

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Game of Thrones copyright HBO, Ted Cruz official Senate portrait from https://www.cruz.senate.gov/?p=about_senator [Fair Use]

When I’m not accidentally liking pornographic tweets or inciting a coup, I binge peak TV. I’m a little late to the game in hating on Game of Thrones’ final season, but in light of recent events, I wanted to express my outrage at the way the season turned out. Obviously, the Battle of Winterfell was not started by the Night King, but was in fact a false flag operation, staged by the Stark family to regain control of the North.

I wasn’t shocked that Jon, Sansa, Arya, and the rest of their bannermen stooped that low. The Starks were establishment…


You weren’t doing anything important, right? Good!

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Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Let me be the first to welcome you to the office! There are muffins in the break room. I would split one with you, but if I ate so much as one molecule of gluten, I’d be shitting like Mt. Vesuvius.

You’re going to love working here. We’re just like a family. Better than a family, really. I haven’t spoken to my sister in eight years, that pious bitch. Hey, let’s go show you the break room and get you a banana nut muffin!

There’s a nice big fridge in here if you like to bring your lunch. Sometimes I…


I’m finally ready to reveal the details of my daily weeding.

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Photo by Kym MacKinnon on Unsplash

With marijuana now legal in 15 states, so many people I know are excited they can openly smoke the Mary Joe. Well I too have been doing drugs this whole time. In fact, I am constantly high on grass clippings, and I have always been very cool.

Yeah, I’m 240 friendly, alright. I’ll never forget my first puff on the ol’ mystic dragon. It was the eighth grade and some tough kids named CJ and Eric who wore backward baseball caps and football jerseys offered me a drag on a fat joist behind the bleachers. They were impressed by how…


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Photo by Thanakorn Phanthura from Pexels

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

Last Christmas, I blew up my life when I dumped my long-term dermatologist boyfriend Trip, and got engaged to Dustin, a guy I’d known for three weeks, who makes hand-crafted jingle bells for a living. I thought I loved Dustin, but it’s been two months and I wake up every day thinking, oh my fucking god, what have I done?!

I came to Snowfall Heights on assignment for my job as a big city journalist, which I also quit to be with Dustin, and thought I had found my new home. I thought this two bedroom…


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Photo by Nastasya Day from Pexels

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

Help! I was drinking an oat milk latte with my boyfriend Chad when a cinnamon-scented portal opened up under my feet in the Starbucks. Everywhere I looked, there was a little crown in the bottom right corner of my field of vision. I think I just got transported into a Hallmark Christmas movie!

My oat milk late had turned into a Christmas Peppermint Eggnog-achino and I almost spilled it on a random hot white guy. He didn’t seem surprised at all and said, “Wow, Claire! You almost spilled your Christmas drink on me!” …


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Photo by fotografierende from Pexels

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

Succeeding as a character in the Hallmark movie universe takes discipline. At Hallmark University, we offer a comprehensive Christmas-based curriculum, giving our students the tools needed to be a blandly-attractive protagonist in a formulaic Christmas film. Whether you’re a Christmas-based entrepreneur or a Big Scary Lawyer, Hallmark University has continuing education to fit your needs.

Core Courses:

Innovative Approaches to Spreading Cheer

Fundamentals of Christmas Decorating

Intensive Ice Skating Workshop

Electives Available:

Management Seminar: Neglecting Your Charming Christmas Ornament Shop

Spontaneous Christmas Fundraising Strategies to Save Your Town in Under 10 Minutes

Integrating Christmas Values into…

Gracie Beaver-Kairis

Gracie Beaver-Kairis is a humor writer and semi-functioning adult living in the Pacific Northwest.

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