Please help me rid my house of the mysteries of the universe!

Photo by Jakob Rosen on Unsplash and Vinícius Vieira ft from Pexels, edited by the author

Dear Beautiful Dreamers Manifestation Podcast,

Help! Last night, I was a little tipsy and fell asleep listening to the podcast while flipping through my middle school yearbook. When I got up this morning, there was this sixteen-year-old with sandy blonde hair rummaging around in my fridge. I thought he was a burglar, but as soon as he said his name was Logan-Kyle Hawk and then asked if I had any Mountain Dew Code Red, I realized I accidentally manifested the boyfriend I made up in eighth grade. Oops! …

Listen up, because I have some basic-ass truth bombs to drop on y’all.

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels


I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve asked you all to meet me in the skincare aisle of this Target. Please grab a pamplemousse La Croix and have a seat. I have something important to get off my chest: I’m a basic bitch now.

I know this may come as a shock, but I haven’t been living my authentic life. I’ve been ashamed of my true self — the self that doesn’t want to read the boring-ass Atlantic article about the hazards of bauxite mining that just came through in the group text but instead wants to laugh at TikToks…

It’s Time to Re-Align Our Marketing To Attract The Youths!

Photo by Karolina Grabowska from Pexels

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

My fellow Arbor Day Committee board members,

I think we’re all painfully aware that Arbor Day is not a sexy holiday. Today’s youth just want to get on the smartphones and listen to the rap music; they don’t want to spend their time planting saplings behind the middle school with their grandparents or picking up litter. Now, I’ve done some research for us to try to rebrand this holiday to attract more young people. …

Only You Can Prevent Someone Treading On You

Smokey the Bear from [Fair Use]

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

After last year’s record breaking wildfires, I was feeling, well, burned out. You spend your whole life doing a job and then it all goes to shit because of some jackass’s gender reveal party. Reveal one’s gender? What about revealing that you suck! So I took some time off, took some “me time,” read The Fountainhead, and during that time, I found myself down a rabbit hole. That’s a pitfall of living in the woods. But then I climbed out of the rabbit hole and got online, and…

We’ve got an evening of excruciating excitement lined up!

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Welcome to Game Night! Pull up a chair, we’ve got quite the evening planned. Bathroom is down the hall. You might want to use it before we kick things off.

We’re gonna jump right in with Spell Attack, a word game with all the heart-pounding action of an eighth grade Language Arts pop quiz. Make as many words as fast as you can with this pile of letter tiles. Nobody is going to judge you for the limited scope of your vocabulary, I promise. Ready? Go!

I’m done already, and I’ve scored 2700 points for “coaxial,” “typhoon,” and “acquiescence.” How’d…


I’ve put together some advice for all you less talented folks. You’re welcome!

Photo by Kindel Media from Pexels

Hey Friends!

I was wondering why I hadn’t heard from many of you lately, but then I read an article about professional jealousy and a light bulb went on. It must be so incredibly difficult for all of my friends, always wrestling with the green-eyed monster as a result of knowing me. Now that I’m officially the #1 cauliflower influencer in the contiguous US, I’m sure your envy is completely unchecked. That’s why I’m sharing what I learned in the article with you all, my favorite un-talented high school gal pals. You’re welcome!

First, networking with those you admire can…

I do not need to poop, not ever.

Picture by Ashram Haghani via Pexels

6:30 am: I wake up feeling completely refreshed. I perform 35 minutes of pretzel-like yoga positions, then whip up my own smoothie. I actually wash and put away the blender when I am done. I do not need to poop, not ever.

7:30 am: I pick out an outfit from my vast collection of Free People clothes. Because of my amazing flexibility and high level spatial reasoning skills, I am not confused how to put them on. I select a cold shoulder sweater that wraps around my neck six times and has a big taffeta ruffle around the middle. …

Photo by alleksana from Pexels

**Co-written with Sherry Vondy Beaver.**

Middle-aged straight men: Are you panicking that your wife or girlfriend will once again scream at you and burst into tears over your Valentine’s gift? Ever been accused of “not understanding” after forking out twenty bucks for a heart-shaped toilet plunger? We know that picking out the right gift is harder than line dancing through a minefield. Purchase correctly, you might get laid. Buy something wrong and your balls will be bluer than the rust belt in the 2020 election. And obviously, you can’t just ask her what she’d like! But, buck up, bros!

Template from Canva, edited by the author

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

  1. I’d cook you a delicious meal but we’re out of toilet paper again :( Love you anyway!
  2. There’s nobody I’d rather go slowly insane with than you.
  3. You’ve infected me with your love and the incubation period is the rest of our lives. Love you babe!
  4. It’s a good thing your ex-girlfriend has to stay six feet away. Make that a habit.
  5. Let’s play Scrabble again because what the fuck else is there to do. Happy V-Day.
  6. I used to love you more than I love wine, but now wine is really all I have, but…

Photo by Ryan Miguel Capili from Pexels, edited by the author

**Co-written with Catherine Weingarten**

1. He didn’t get you flowers or chocolates. He says that’s because:

a. He’s not into this dumb corporate manufactured holiday

b. Because anything corporeal will pass through his translucent hands and fall to the floor immediately

2. Where’s he taking you for dinner tonight?

a. The Sizzler, because he didn’t bother to make reservations anywhere, and he figures all the senior citizens will be cleared out by 8 pm

b. His kitchen! He’s quite the chef, but also he’s buried on the premises and is unable to leave the home until his unfinished business on…

Gracie Beaver-Kairis

Gracie Beaver-Kairis is a humor writer and semi-functioning adult living in the Pacific Northwest.

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